Joe Namath--"I wanna kiss you"

Everyone is my parents' generation can remember where they were the moment JKF was assassinated. It is one of those seminal moments, where everyone remembers where they were and what they were doing the moment they find out. Pearl Harbor was a similar moment for people in my grandparents' generation. 9/11 will be remembered as the event from my generation where each of us knows where he was. I was a junior in college, just finished my morning class on Judaism, and stayed seated in the classroom, since my next class, Rennaissance European History, took place in the same classroom. A couple guys who were in that next class with me walked in, and turned on the TV, because they had heard some news that was going on about an airplane and the World Trade Center. Our professor came in, visibly shaken, saying that he was in no emotional state to hold class. Later that day, since it was a Tuesday, my friends and I took our weekly excursion to Manhattan's Pizza for all you can eat pizza and wings. Burlington was quiet and very somber that day...

There are seminal moments such as these, but there are also seminal moments that do not conjure up a somber, almost hushed tone. Events that are trivial and stupid, yet nevertheless we remember where we were when they happened. Such is the Joe Namath-Suzy Kulber interview at a Jets-Patriots game in December 2004. I was in Burlington, visiting friends from St. Michael's College, and we were watching the game with a few beers. Little did we know that Joe Namath was keeping pace with us from the Jets sideline, and would make a complete ass out of himself, much to everyone's delight :-). Here's the video clip of this classic moment, courtesy of YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=95O-lwAMHRc

Uh Oh...It's the B Squad

"The strip club owner got tired of using his B squad...so he came back for the starting lineup. Topless Tutors was dead. " Van Wilder

The 2004 Super Bowl will be remembered for many things. The Patriots and Tom Brady proved that their 2002 Super Bowl win over the Rams was not a fluke. We learned that Bill Belichick, like Einstein, Fermi, and other greats, is a genius. Or, at least that’s what the announcers kept telling us. I ate pizza and wings and drank beer (actually, that is every Super Bowl. That fact was nothing special about the ’04 game). But, the 2004 Super Bowl will be remembered most of all for Janet Jackson’s breast.

This caused quite the stir. You see, America is very puritanical. We will be scarred for life if we ever see any nudity or violence, or hear any swear words on TV, unless, of course, we pay the extra money to have HBO, then it magically becomes okay. We cannot legally drink alcohol until three years after we are legally old enough to die in Iraq.

This may all seem ridiculous, but the puritans do have a point. In Europe, Latin America, and many other places, you can drink alcohol around the same time you can ride the medium size roller coasters in America, and many of those places are filled with uncensored TV and nude beaches. The problem, of course, is that you never see the people you want to see nude. It’s always the people who should not be going naked who go naked. It’s like those late night HBO documentaries where it’s always these flabby middle aged couples who are into the kinky shit. Our whole Janet Jackson fiasco probably began many years ago, when some Americans on vacation in Italy or somewhere like that ended up on a nude beach, but saw the nasty people naked. Then, they came home to the good ole US of A, where they called their rich uncle who knew someone who knew someone whose ex-wife was banging a Senator who did not want the truth to get out, so he sponsored a bill banning “indecency.” Because of that, all we get is boring edited television.

When people do try to push the envelope, the puritans always strike back. It’s because people do not know how to do it right. Graney’s, a local bar and restaurant, has great pizza, wings, and beer, plus many TV’s with various games showing. From what I had heard, the place was most famous for its attractive waitresses. The problem is this place thinks having waitresses wear low cut tight shirts is enough to make them attractive. Most times I go there, I seem to end up getting a waitress from the B squad. It is always some woman who looks a little too skanky, to the point you want to take a shower after leaving for fear that a disease could spread airborne.

The solution to our whole immodesty fiasco is not an end to nudity and hot looking clothing, but some sensible rules. Only women weighing under a certain amount should be allowed to go topless on the beach. Women would need to meet a figure requirement in order to buy bikinis, midriff shirts, tight fitting clothes, and so on. There could be a fine for each woman who tries to buy something she should not be wearing (and, this goes for men, too. There are plenty of men who wear outfits they should not leave the house in). This may seem harsh, but it’s not. You see, the fine would go to a charity of the person’s choice, including the option of having it go towards a gym or diet program for the offender who had to pay the fine. Then, they could work towards being able to someday get to wear skimpy clothing.

But, ah, who should be hired to decide which women get to wear provocative clothing? I would be willing to take the job if no one else could do it. I would even be willing to work for just a nominal fee, out of the goodness of my heart.

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

"Fredo, you're nothing to me now. You're not a brother, you're not a friend. I don't want to know you or what you do. I don't want to see you at the hotels, I don't want you near my house. When you see our mother, I want to know a day in advance, so I won't be there. You understand?"—Michael Corleone, Godfather Part II

"The LORD God therefore banished him from the garden of Eden, to till the ground from which he had been taken. When he expelled the man, he settled him east of the garden of Eden; and he stationed the cherubim and the fiery revolving sword, to guard the way to the tree of life."—Genesis 3:23-24

“I have no regrets! Everything I went through makes me stronger/the person I am today.”—In almost every girl’s MySpace profile (with some variations)

What things in our past have helped us grow? What have hurt us? Would we be better off without some events of the past? Or, is everything that has happened part of some bigger plan for our lives?

Questions and issues such as these were raised in the movie Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, starring Jim Carrey. Jim Carrey plays Joel, a heartbroken man who visits his girlfriend Clementine at the bookstore she works at only to find out that she either does not know who he is or is pretending as if to not know. Joel finds out that Clementine went to a special doctor who erased her mind of any memories of Joel so that she could get a fresh start and move past their tumultuous relationship as if it never existed. Joel, in hasty frustration, decided to undergo the same mind erasing, collecting all items he has that are associated with Clementine in order to undergo the deep mind cleansing sleep. But, once in the mind erasing sleep, Joel realizes how much he loves Clementine and tries to hold onto memories of her before he wakes up and she is gone.

The first natural reaction to the decisions of Joel and Clementine is the naïve teenage girl reaction. We can say, “no way would I erase my memory. I have no regrets! Everything that happened has made me the person I am.” That is a shallow surface level reaction, though. We all have hurts. It does no good to sugarcoat them or play as if all the bad things really help. “What doesn’t kill me makes me stronger” is a false cliché. Looking at our world of drug addicts and suicides, it is pretty obvious that, though some people come out stronger from trying ordeals, many are broken by their sad circumstances.

I have some things in my past that I cannot just look at and say, “it is good that that happened.” I have had people who have hurt me, where I cannot really say, “I am glad that happened; it is a learning experience.” There are some things where I just have to say, “there is no fucking reason for that to have happened. Nothing can justify it. There is nothing to gain from this or learn from that.”

There is also another dangerous view to take. It is to take the view that Joel and Clementine made the right decision to erase unhappy memories. This comes from the Cartesian viewpoint that has largely shaped the modern worldview since Descartes wrote in the 17th century, “I think, therefore I am.” Based on observations of crazy people who saw things that were not really there, Descartes made the claim that there is really no way to know if the reality we see and perceive is really the way things are. After all, crazy people do not know that they are crazy. How is each of us to know that we are not really crazy, and we are not really seeing a skewed view of the world? Descartes says that each person can know for certain that he exists, since if you are doing the thinking, you must exist. But, beyond that, we cannot be certain of anything. “I think, therefore I am” means that I know I must exist since I am doing the thinking, but beyond that, I have no real way of knowing that anything else I think is real is really real.

Slogans such as “perception is reality” descend from this Cartesian worldview. What one thinks is real is real for that person. A person’s “reality” is what he perceives. A person’s past is what he remembers. Each person has his own reality, separate from all other persons. Obviously, we cannot use time machines to literally change our pasts, but, according to a Cartesian, changing memories is essentially the same thing. If our perception is our reality, why not change things so that we can be happier?

The problem with this idea is that, like the teenage girl with the no regrets view, it is naïve. Yes, we each perceive reality a little different. But, we perceive reality differently because there really is a reality to perceive. Most of us see things, though a little differently, almost the same. The few crazy people who really see things differently are an exception. There is an old saying that goes, “The exception proves the rule.” When we notice that crazy people see things weirdly, it is because we know that there is a right way to see things, and thankfully, most of us see things rightly most of the time.

Changing our memories, erasing our memories, though we all, if we are not naïve, wish we could do sometimes, does not really change our pasts. It is an escape mechanism that we use so we don’t have to deal with the past. As humans, our task is to deal with, and confront the things that happen to us. The “I have no regrets” viewpoint and the “let’s change our memories since perception is reality” viewpoint both avoid actually dealing with our problems. It is not healthy to cut ourselves off from those who hurt us, like Michael Corleone does to his brother Fredo in the Godfather Part II. We also can’t go back to the way things were before bad things happened. This is why God would not let Adam and Eve back into the Garden of Eden.

The late classical/early medieval philosopher Boethius, in his Consolation on Philosophy, said that all fortune is good fortune, and, in particular, bad fortune is better than good fortune, because we can learn from it. That is, everything that happens to us, whether good or bad, is good, because we can learn from it. And, the bad things are “better”, because we learn more from bad things. I am not so sure I entirely agree, but Boethius is right that we cannot ignore the things that happen. Like Jim Carrey’s character Joel in his dream, he realizes that we cannot just grudgingly accept the past or ignore the past, but we must confront it.

Did Joel and Clementine get back together? You will need to watch the movie for yourself to find out.

Things I Have Learned

I have learned many things in my quarter of a century on this planet. At least I like to think I have learned some things. Here is a list of some of the things I have learned over the years. Are they the most important? I don’t know. Some are important, some are trivial. Are they the most interesting? Maybe, maybe not. There could be other things I have learned that are more interesting that I just cannot think of right now.

December 30, 1980—I learned what the world outside of the womb looks like. At least the Albany Medical Center delivery room, if not anything else.

Late 1981—I learned to walk (or, to put it in the exact words of the autobiography I wrote in 5th grade when I was 10, “I learned to walk when I was 10 months old, I haven’t stopped walking since. My sister Tara learned to talk when she was 10 months old, she hasn’t stopped talking since.”)

1983—I learned to talk.

1986—I learned that that there are other cities than Schenectady (my family moved from Schenectady to Rensselaer in January ’86)

1986—I learned that it is not a good idea to walk out of the locker room at summer camp with your bathing suit in hand.

1986/1987—I learned on “T” day in Kindergarten that there is a great soda named Tab. Sadly, it went the way of other great 80’s novelties like the DeLorean, Beta-Max, and Mr. Mister.

1987/1988—I learned that being the one good kid and getting to play basketball by myself in gym class while everyone else is in trouble and has to sit out, is not necessarily a good thing as far as popularity is concerned.

1988—I learned how to carry that one book and hold it in front of my pants while walking, even though I had a bookbag on, to help cover up the wet stain in my crotch area for the occasional times I wet my pants. (This “walking with a book in hands to cover you” trick would come in handy again in later middle school, when hormones starting causing other things to happen that you did not want to be noticed)

1991—I learned that sports on TV can be an enjoyable experience.

1992/1993—I learned in 6th grade that other kids can sometimes be cruel.

1993—I learned (or maybe this just came naturally) how to stop wetting the bed. A little after that, I learned what it was like to go to a friend’s house for a sleepover. No more having to make up excuses for not being able to stay over anyone else’s house.

1994/1995—I learned while taking 9th grade math in 8th grade that high school girls can be pretty.

1996—I learned that there is nothing you can do to “make” a girl like you. Either they like you or they don’t.

1997—I learned that going on a field trip to New York City and getting benched a basketball game for missing practice is better than staying in school all day, going to practice, and getting my token 2 minutes of playing time the next game.

1998—I learned that baseball is just a game and not to take it too seriously. I finally got really good at baseball.

1998 (Homecoming night)—I learned that you can say really stupid things when you are drunk.

1999 (Spring)—I learned that you technically are supposed to be in a car to get food in the Wendy’s Drive-Thru, even if you are being responsible by walking from the hotel across the street and not drinking and driving.

1999 (Fall)—I learned that college is a LOT more fun than high school.

1999 (Fall)—I (and all the other freshman boys living on 4th floor Joyce Hall) learned that there was one freshman woman straight across from our windows in Lyons Hall (the freshman girls’ dorm) who changed every night with her blinds open. She did not learn for a couple months.

2000 (Spring)—I learned that I may love baseball, but it doesn’t love me back. You don’t do well at it just because you like it.

1999-2003—I learned that my goofiness that got me picked on in middle school made me fun to be around and well liked in college.

2001-2004 (Summers)—I learned that if I act silly and goofy, people will love me for it.

2003 (Spring)—I learned that the greatest things I got out of college were not a degree, or book knowledge, or good resume fodder, but great friendships.

2003 (Fall)—I learned that grad school was not the same as college, and not as enjoyable.

2004 (Spring)—I learned to adjust and come to enjoy grad school and Washington, DC.

2004 (Summer)—I learned to not trust my feelings and that flirting means nothing.

2004 (Fall)—I learned how to write a good resume.

2005 (Spring)—I learned how long and arduous the job search process can be.

2005 (Summer)—I learned how much I missed college and grad school dining hall food.

2005/2006—I learned what it is like to live and work in the “real” world. I like it so far.

There are many other things I have learned. Some I don’t wish to share, some I just can’t think of right now. Stay tuned. I may add more later…

On Bullshit

The Industrial Revolution reminds me of a story called the little puppy who lost his way…the difference is that the puppy was a dog, but the industry, my friends, that was a revolution. Knibb High football rules! Billy Madison

In 2005, Harry G. Frankfurt, Professor Emeritus of Princeton University, received a good amount of press, including an appearance on Jon Stewart’s Daily Show, for his treatise titled On Bullshit (Princeton University Press: Princeton, Nj; 2005). Just 67 succinct pages, his opening paragraph gets straight to the point:

One of the most salient features of our culture is that there is so much bullshit. Everyone knows this. Each of us contributes his share. But we tend to take the situation for granted. Most people are rather confident of their ability to recognize bullshit and to avoid being taken in by it. So the phenomenon has not aroused much deliberate concern, nor attracted much sustained inquiry. (pg. 1)

We know, Frankfurt says, that there is way too much bullshit out there, but we do not have a unified theory about what exactly bullshit is. Frankfurt proposes here to develop a “theoretical understanding of bullshit (pg. 2)”.

A word that comes close to bullshit in practical meaning is “humbug”, a “more polite, as well as less intense (pg. 5)” way of saying bullshit, in that sense that one could go back and forth between saying, ‘that is humbug’ or ‘that is bullshit’ in response to another’s exaggerated claim. But, even that does not work, for humbug is, according to Max Black (The Prevalence of Humbug. Ithaca: Cornell University Press, 1985), who Frankfurt cites, humbug is defined as “deceptive misrepresentation, short of lying, especially by pretentious word or deed, of somebody’s own thoughts, feelings, or attitudes (pg. 6).” Yet, as Frankfurt goes on to claim, bullshit is different than a deceptive misrepresentation.

To explain bullshit, Frankfurt begins by citing an encounter between Fania Pascal and the famous philosopher Ludwig Wittgenstein in the 1930’s. Fania remembers:

I had my tonsils out and was in the Evelyn Nursing Home feeling sorry for myself. Wittgenstein called. I croaked: “I feel just like a dog that has been run over.” He was disgusted: “You don’t know what a dog that has been run over feels like.” (pg. 24)

It is possible, Frankfurt says, that Wittgenstein was just joking with her, showing faux repulsion, like when we say to someone with a broken leg, “it could be worse; if you were a horse, we’d have to shoot you.” However, Frankfurt does not think this so, because Pascal knew Wittgenstein well. He was entirely serious.

Was this because Pascal was lying? Hardly. Common sense would tell her that a dog that has been run over would be in a state of unpleasantness, a state not unlike her own after having her tonsils taken out. Wittgenstein is taken aback, however, not in that he thinks she lied. He knows better. It is that she could not possibly know what it feels like to be a dog run over. She is making a comparison that she does not have the facts to make. Wittgenstein’s reaction to Pascal’s cry of distress may be “absurdly intolerant. Be this as it may, it seems clear what that reaction is. He reacts as though he perceives her to be speaking about her feeling thoughtlessly, without conscientious attention to the relevant facts. Her statement is not ‘wrought with greatest care.’ She makes it without bothering to take into account at all the question of its accuracy (pg. 31).” Frankfurt continues. “[Pascal’s] fault is not that she fails to get things right, but that she is not even trying (pg. 32).”

Bullshitting is not, then, lying or trying to deceive. A bullshitter is someone who has no regard at all for the truth. A liar at least knows what the truth is, or thinks he knows what the truth is, and, knowing that, deliberately goes against it. A bullshitter may know the truth, or may not, but either way, does not care about it, does not, may I say it, give a shit about the truth. The bullshitter takes “no interest in whether what she says is true or false (pg. 33).” “It is just this lack of connection to a concern with truth—this indifference to how things really are—that I regard as the essence of bullshit (pgs. 33-34).”

We all make analogies of the sort that Frankfurt would classify as bullshit. Sometimes, it is not a big deal. When I say, for example, “I am sweating like a whore in church” or “I am out like a boner in sweatpants” or “I am off like a prom-dress,” I am not making a comparison with no regard for the truth. I know, and everyone knows, that the word ‘sweating’ in the first saying has two different meanings, the first being the sweating one does after physical exertion, the other a use of the word sweating as a synonym for nervousness or anxiety. ‘I am out’ and ‘I am off’ are ways of saying ‘goodbye,’ ‘I am leaving’, but they are contrasted with ‘out’ and ‘off’ in a different setting so as to set up an entendre to bring about humor. This is not bullshitting. This is using humor to show how silly bullshitting really is by using comparisons that really cannot be made. This is why Billy Madison’s speech in the final event of the academic decathlon to determine whether he or Eric get the company is funny. Billy knew nothing about the Industrial Revolution, so he felt the need to bullshit, and his comparison between the Industrial Revolution and the story of the little puppy who lost his way is so absurd that it could not possibly work as bullshit (though, the movie being an Adam Sandler comedy—the best kind—the entire audience buys it except for the Principal).

There are other areas of life where we have a tacit understanding that what is going on is bullshit, but we choose to go along anyways. When guys and girls meet, the flirting and tension are underlined by an understood bullshit where both know that this is the subtle way of getting to know a person on an initial level, before deciding whether to get to know the person later on a real level. A similar bullshit level exists in required societal events such as work cocktail parties or extended family get-togethers. And, this can be okay. Sometimes, and with some people, we do not want to truly open up to. But, the problem arises when we move onto serious issues.

Bullshitting is a more common way of saying, unless I have read Frankfurt’s book wrong, what we used to call sophistry. The Sophists were the opponents of Socrates and the real philosophers. Sophists had no concern with truth, and the way things really are. Their goal was to use rhetoric to get what they wanted. For them, the ends justified the means. Even though this way of thinking was discredited by Socrates, Plato, and Aristotle, and later by Christianity, it still exists. Sadly, the Enlightenment’s call for truth is inherently illogical as it is predicated on the subjective and the return to the call of the Sophist Protagoras to have man be “the measure of all things” rather than God. If man is the measure of truth, and right and wrong, then truth and justice end up being not objective things that we are called to strive to know and follow, but just either that which each man decides for himself, leading to chaos, or that which the majority or the elite power molders decide upon, leading to tyranny. With the postmodernist turn, not only is bullshitting unconcerned with truth, but, along with Pontius Pilate, who asks, “what is truth?”, denies that objective truth even exists, leaving the “art” of bullshit as the only worthwhile endeavor. He who can convince others to “buy” his meaning in a meaningless world wins. Yeah, there really is a lot of bullshit out there.