SPidge Tales

Sunday, June 18, 2006

Uh Oh...It's the B Squad

"The strip club owner got tired of using his B squad...so he came back for the starting lineup. Topless Tutors was dead. " Van Wilder

The 2004 Super Bowl will be remembered for many things. The Patriots and Tom Brady proved that their 2002 Super Bowl win over the Rams was not a fluke. We learned that Bill Belichick, like Einstein, Fermi, and other greats, is a genius. Or, at least that’s what the announcers kept telling us. I ate pizza and wings and drank beer (actually, that is every Super Bowl. That fact was nothing special about the ’04 game). But, the 2004 Super Bowl will be remembered most of all for Janet Jackson’s breast.

This caused quite the stir. You see, America is very puritanical. We will be scarred for life if we ever see any nudity or violence, or hear any swear words on TV, unless, of course, we pay the extra money to have HBO, then it magically becomes okay. We cannot legally drink alcohol until three years after we are legally old enough to die in Iraq.

This may all seem ridiculous, but the puritans do have a point. In Europe, Latin America, and many other places, you can drink alcohol around the same time you can ride the medium size roller coasters in America, and many of those places are filled with uncensored TV and nude beaches. The problem, of course, is that you never see the people you want to see nude. It’s always the people who should not be going naked who go naked. It’s like those late night HBO documentaries where it’s always these flabby middle aged couples who are into the kinky shit. Our whole Janet Jackson fiasco probably began many years ago, when some Americans on vacation in Italy or somewhere like that ended up on a nude beach, but saw the nasty people naked. Then, they came home to the good ole US of A, where they called their rich uncle who knew someone who knew someone whose ex-wife was banging a Senator who did not want the truth to get out, so he sponsored a bill banning “indecency.” Because of that, all we get is boring edited television.

When people do try to push the envelope, the puritans always strike back. It’s because people do not know how to do it right. Graney’s, a local bar and restaurant, has great pizza, wings, and beer, plus many TV’s with various games showing. From what I had heard, the place was most famous for its attractive waitresses. The problem is this place thinks having waitresses wear low cut tight shirts is enough to make them attractive. Most times I go there, I seem to end up getting a waitress from the B squad. It is always some woman who looks a little too skanky, to the point you want to take a shower after leaving for fear that a disease could spread airborne.

The solution to our whole immodesty fiasco is not an end to nudity and hot looking clothing, but some sensible rules. Only women weighing under a certain amount should be allowed to go topless on the beach. Women would need to meet a figure requirement in order to buy bikinis, midriff shirts, tight fitting clothes, and so on. There could be a fine for each woman who tries to buy something she should not be wearing (and, this goes for men, too. There are plenty of men who wear outfits they should not leave the house in). This may seem harsh, but it’s not. You see, the fine would go to a charity of the person’s choice, including the option of having it go towards a gym or diet program for the offender who had to pay the fine. Then, they could work towards being able to someday get to wear skimpy clothing.

But, ah, who should be hired to decide which women get to wear provocative clothing? I would be willing to take the job if no one else could do it. I would even be willing to work for just a nominal fee, out of the goodness of my heart.


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