SPidge Tales

Monday, January 07, 2008

Huckabee and Edwards are Catty Mean Girls

“Change over experience,” scream the pundits, newsmen, and Monday Morning Quarterbacks after Thursday night’s Iowa caucuses. Republican Mike Huckabee and democrat Barack Obama, the first round winners in this year’s presidential race, are viewed as agents of change. Frank Rich called it in his Sunday New York Times column, "They Didn't Stop Thinking About Tomorrow". But, it is not Obama who should be lumped in with Huckabee. It is Huckabee’s fellow prophet of doom, democrat John Edwards, who should be linked, says Washington Post columnist George Will, in "Iowa's Histrionic Hucksters".

There are two wings in the modern Republican Party; the social conservative wing, and the economic, Wall Street, conservative wing. One, as Will says, wants to “take back this nation for Christ,” and the other wants to “take back the nation for James Madison.” These two wings tolerate one another, so long as they allow the other to exist. It is an uneasy alliance that mixes rich businessmen who secretly pay for their teenage daughter’s abortions with evangelical Christians who probably think Dow Jones is a local preacher.

But Mike Huckabee, the modern William Jennings Bryan (despite Will’s allusion of John Edwards to the famed lawyer/three-time presidential candidate), is a Christian populist who rejects the Wall Street message, simultaneously opposing the murder of unborn children (sorry for the blunt language; that is what it is) and favoring government spending to help the poor. He is on a messianic mission to save America. This man, outspent twenty to one by republican contender Mitt Romney, was able to beat the former Massachusetts governor, he of the heretical Mormon faith, through the grace of the One True God. Huckabee won, by “the same power that helped a little boy with two fish and five loaves feed a crowd of 5,000 people.” George Will says, “God so loves Huckabee’s politics that He worked a Midwest miracle on his behalf? Should someone so delusional control nuclear weapons?”

John Edwards is no less messianic in his populism. Obama wants the establishment and the pandered-to masses to hold hands and sing kumbaya. Democratic candidate Hillary Clinton is the establishment. Edwards excoriates the establishment, speaking out against the supposed futility of working with the producers of corporate greed.

Could we call Edwards and Huckabee Old Testament-style populist prophets of doom? No. Edwards and Huckabee are not true prophets. They do not follow in the footsteps of Isaiah and Elijah, Micah and Amos, or the one man worthy of a messiah complex, Jesus Christ, the Messiah Himself. Huckabee and Edwards are Cady Heron, Regina George and Gretchen Wieners, Mean Girls who smile to each other’s face, but talk gossip behind the back. Huckabee and Edwards are typical teenage girls who act friendly, but throw the “bitch,” “slut,” and “whore” accusations around to improve their own fragile social standing.

Sure, Huckabee and Edwards speak out against the Man. They condemn corporate greed, and the fat cats who get rich off the poor. But, do they ever do this at fat cat meetings? No, they preach to the choir, to friendly crowds who buy into their message. They are not true prophets, but rather cowards. Those Old Testament prophets directed their message to the bad guys; they didn’t sit around talking about the bad guys to crowds of fawning admirers. Jesus didn’t say, “let’s go tell those Pharisees, I come not to bring peace, but to bring a sword.” He told the bad guys themselves, “I bring a sword.”

Huckabee and Edwards are telling America to repent of its sinful, corporate greedy, ways. But, they aren’t telling “America” that. They are kissing America’s ass, and telling America we need to fight together some ephemeral enemy.

Sorry, Huckabee. Sorry, Edwards. You can’t fight the Man by pandering to the common man. If Huck and Edwards want to be prophets of change, they need to bring that message to those corporate baddies they believe are ruining America. It doesn’t cut it to smile politely at the establishment, then call the populist people on the phone and spread the class warfare gossip. Huckabee and Edwards are no Messiahs. They are just small town Mean Girls.


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