SPidge Tales

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kicks Huckabee to Frontrunner Status

Unless we are Vegas bookies, we cannot accurately predict Super Bowl, World Series, and Final Four winners. But we can be damned certain, before the confetti has settled and the championship hangovers have been slept off, the ESPN talking heads will start predicting next year's winner. Yes, we are an impatient society. If we had been present at Creation, we'd have said to God, "enough with this day of rest. Make something new." This restlessness extends beyond sports, to the world of politics. Before George W. Bush could be sworn in on Inauguration Day 2005, pundits began anointing Hillary Clinton as frontrunner for 2008.

Many people hate Hillary. I mean, hate Hillary. Some of it has to do with policy differences. But, let's not kid ourselves. Most of it is sexism. Really, do we need to call her a bitch? Must every strong woman be called the b-word, if not the c-word? Frankly, I'm not thrilled about Hillary, but I think she'd make a good president. She is intelligent, she's experienced, she's pragmatically opposed to the Iraq War, but she's not one of those nutty peaceniks who think America is always wrong and we should hold bake sales for bombs. Plus, if she has questions, she has a brilliant former President she can visit in the bedroom for advice (his bedroom; we know they have an FDR-Eleanor relationship). And, look how much trouble Bill got in when he was Commander-in-Chief. Think how much trouble he'll get in running around the White House as a male first lady. The Hollywood writers strike can go on forever; those late-night jokes will write themselves.

I mean, what are the alternatives? Barack Obama and his plithy platitudes about nothing? John Edwards, the $400 haircut and the 10 cent ambulance chaser? Dennis Kucinich has a hot wife and wins the illegal alien vote (I'm talking real, UFO aliens, not border crossing Mexicans. We're gonna need those Mexicans, otherwise we'll have no one to build the border fence). Joe Biden would be a great President to compliment all those clean and articulate black men. But, really, if we want someone other than Hillary Clinton, we must look to the Republican side.

Sadly, it's not much prettier on the Elephant side. Unless we are talking spouses. Fred Thompson has a hot wife. Mitt Romney has a gold-plated policy book that no one can see but him, and if you vote for Mitt, he might just find some young teenage brides to add to your polygamous harem (if that's your cup of tea). I think Fred Thompson just fell asleep. No, we have to look back in the pack, to my new favorite candidate, Mike Huckabee. Yes, I am man-crush smitten. I ♥ Huckabee (even if the movie I ♥ Huckabee sucks).

Huckabee is endorsed by Mr. Walker, Texas Ranger, himself. Chuck Norris teamed with Huckabee to create the ad of the political season, thus far. Enjoy!


Anonymous bernie said...

sean-been catching up with all the posts since june with the camp one-great stuff! i agree about the emotions at camp thing. but now after a couple years of kelly's leadership it's been steubenvilleized, so it's a little different even than three years ago. and the dostoyevsky and hitchens stuff was very insightful, and the estrogen church

9:30 PM  

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