SPidge Tales

Monday, October 15, 2007

There's Only ONE October!...and Dane Cook's a Tool

“There was an old lady who swallowed a fly
I don’t know why she swallowed that fly
Perhaps she’ll die.”

Joba Chamberlain did not allow one runner in scoring position to touch home plate all season. His fastball packs more heat than John Madden’s ass after a Mexican dinner. His curveball hooks left more than a college faculty member. When he comes in for the New York Yankees each 8th inning, opponents ought just take off their cleats and hit the showers. It would take a biblical plague to score off Joba. Alas, that is what happened in game two of the American League Division Series. The Yankees held a 1-0 lead when they brought Joba in to finish of the Cleveland Indians. But thousand of gnats swarmed Jacobs Field from nearby Lake Erie, getting in Joba’s face, Joba’s mouth, leading to an uncharacteristic wild pitch, allowing the tying run to score. The Yankees never recovered, losing that game in extra innings, and losing the series three games to one. The Yankees swallowed some gnats. I don’t know why they swallowed those flies. Their playoff dreams died.

It has been a strange postseason. The New York Mets, the National League’s best team with one week left in the season, missed the playoffs entirely (but enough on that. I think I’ll light myself on fire). The Colorado Rockies, historically known for slugging homer after homer—historically known for serving up homer after homer—have won 19 out of 20 games, mostly with pitching and defense, and are one win away from their first World Series.

You may not have known this, since the playoffs have mostly been on cable this year. TBS has picked up the first round and the National League Championship Series. But, fear not, they have learned from Fox. We could always count on Fox to advertise all those new shows destined for cancellation. TBS has joined in this tradition, presenting us with Frank TV (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SIxFyU0gIpE). Those commercials couldn’t be less funny if I punched myself in the face. We get it; Frank Caliendo does impersonations. Next time, find someone who does them funny. It’s like all those Scary Movie, Not Another Teen Movie, Date Movie, and Epic Movie spoofs; it’s not funny just referencing shit; you need to lampoon and satirize it.

But at least when other commercials come on, I don’t forget whose country it is. Whose country is it, again? Oh yeah, “this is ouuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr country! (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U0HTff63E0I).” Please, just shoot me now and get it over with. But, you better do it soon, or else the calendar will turn to November, and you’ll miss out, because “there is only ONE October! (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AV8GV2LIknY&mode=related&search= , this is the SNL parody, because I really would shoot myself if I linked a real Dane Cook commercial). (Okay, here’s one Dane Cook commercial: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cBy8nhFx7WQ&NR=1 , really please shoot me now).”


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