People Who Should Be Fazed Out

A few months ago, sportwriter Bill Simmons wrote a column for ESPN.com Page 2 listing people who, in his words, “have a little too much power.” Some mentioned include bouncers at bars, and, I think, local pool lifeguards. I couldn’t find the link to this particular column, but it was written long enough ago that you would need to be an ESPN Insider (i.e. pay money) to read it, anyway. Along with “people who have a little bit too much power,” a side corollary that could go with it, I think, is “people who should be fazed out.” Here is my initial list. It is by no means in any order or comprehensive. I may add to it later as I think of more wastes of oxygen.

1—That guy who works at a summer camp or works in some rec. program or entertainment area where a group of people gather to have him lead the activity. He is the guy who always opens with a variation of “Is everybody excited to be here!?” After the audience gives their first cheer, he has to obnoxiously yell out, “I can’t hear you! Let me hear you again.” Shut up. You heard us fine the first time. You’re not cool.

2—The pimple faced teenage lifeguard guy who thinks he’s cool because he works with hot college girls, even though he has a Trekkie’s chance with a supermodel with them. He’s the guy who always has to blow his whistle and give you the, “Sir, that is not allowed in the pool/lake” routine, when you are breaking some innocuous rule like “no splashing.” Shut up, I’m an adult. I don’t care if you are the lifeguard, stop condescending to me like I am a kid.

3—The muscle-bound, hair slicked meathead lifeguard guy who is constantly preening, flexing, and talking to the hot girls at the beach, but is not afraid to interrupt himself to lecture you about splashing or having your beach chair too close to the pool. Please, go away. This guy is even worse than the pimple faced kid, because you can at least feel sorry for the pimple faced kid since he is just trying to show off and impress the girls.

4—The muscle-bound, hair slicked meathead guy who works at the gym. He also constantly preens, flexes, and makes the rounds with girls working out. Of course, he makes sure to come over and lecture you when you are not doing an exercise or lift exactly right. Hey buddy, I know I am shortchanging myself, being lazy and doing the lift a little wrong. I’m not doing anything unsafe. Stop trying to show off. Just go away. Go be Billy Zabka somewhere else.

5—That guy who comes up to you in the supermarket, bookstore, train-station, airport, or wherever else you may be alone at the time, and asks if you have found Jesus.

6—Guys who don’t flush, and guys who don’t wash their hands.

7—Guys who incessantly talk about their fantasy sports teams. Trust me, I don’t want to know. The only person who cares about your fantasy team is you.

More to come later…