SPidge Tales

Friday, April 14, 2006

Tucker Max

“My name is Tucker Max, and I am an asshole…I get excessively drunk at inappropriate times, disregard social norms, indulge every whim, ignore the consequences of my actions, mock idiots and posers, sleep with more women than is safe or reasonable, and just generally act like a raging dickhead…But, I do contribute to humanity in one very important way. I share my adventures with the world.” Tucker Max, www.tuckermax.com

So many people go through life as fakers and posers, trying to be what we think others either expect or want us to be. All of us do it at least some of the time. Whether it is pretending to read some boring as hell classic book like Ulysses to impress the sophisticated cute girl (do they really exist? Just kidding), popping in the gawd-awful hip hop CD to blend in with the homies you play pick-up basketball with, or saying you always dreamed of bringing high definition television to the average suburbanite when all you really want is a summer job, and this one happens to be installing cable in people’s homes, we all put on different masks at times so we can be all things to all people. Sometimes, we even make paper-machete plaster masks to show symbolically how we always put on ‘masks”, so to speak (Okay, maybe not everyone has made plaster masks, but I have, and I am damn proud of it. It was a real bonding experience at summer camp. You had to be there).

I will admit, personally, my biggest problem is wanting people to like me and worrying about not offending people. I do have strong opinions, but I always play the part of the funny guy, and am always laid back and relaxed, making others feel comfortable. There is something to be said for that, but there are times when we need to tell some people to fuck off, or to say “you know, you are an asshole.” This is something I need to work on and need to learn to do.

There are some people, and they are rare, and actually, refreshingly honest, who don’t put on masks and play games. They are who they are. They often piss enough people off that they get crucified (either metaphorically or really; Jesus falls into the later category). These people are not afraid to say what they believe, and they don’t care who they offend. Usually it involves serious issues, such as religion, politics, or social justice. Sometimes, as I discovered in a newspaper article a couple months in my local Albany Times Union, it revolves around the banal.

At Mad River Bar and Grille (it’s a fake Coyote Ugly type place situated on Pearl Street, the downtown section of Albany with all the kiddie bars. I call them kiddie bars, because if you are over the legal drinking age, the only reason to be in these overcrowded dance club/bars is if you are sketchy and on the prowl for high school and college freshman girls out with their fake ID’s), there was a book signing going on. Tucker Max, with a Bachelor’s Degree from the University of Chicago and a Law Degree from Duke University Law School, was signing his recently released book, I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell. Despite his academic credentials, and his voluminous reading list, he spends his life not engaged in a “real” career, but in carousing and getting drunk. He does not pretend or play any games. He admits that his only goals are to have a good time and screw around with as many women as possible. He entertainingly chronicles his debaucherous adventures on his webpage, http://www.tuckermax.com/, and in his recently released book that he was signing at Mad River, called by the New York Times, “highly entertaining and thoroughly reprehensible.”

His columns and blogs include stories such as, “Tucker has moment of reflection, ends poorly,” “The Blowjob Follies,” and “Tucker tries buttsex; hilarity does not ensue.” He even gives dating advice and writing advice for aspiring writers. What I found most disturbing is not any of his stories, but that I enjoy reading him, and I find him, at least from his writing, to be someone who seems like he’d be fun to hang out with. There are those guys who always complain about how girls go for the jerks and assholes instead “nice” guys like themselves. Well, guys like Tucker have personality and don’t mope around. I would hope that no one would really want to be like Tucker (I am sure he will die young from either an STD or a rotted liver), but it’s always nice to have people like him around for shits and giggles.

Besides, we all lie about what we want from the opposite sex. Guys and girls both say they like “nice” people and everyone wants to meet a nice guy or girl. Bullshit. Guys only say they want to meet a nice girl so that people don’t think they are shallow. We want hot chicks who give off just enough of a sensual aura that they aren’t prudes, but not enough of an aura that reveals sluttiness. Whether we stay in a relationship with them does depend on them having a fun personality, some intelligence, being at least tolerably nice, and not too damn annoying (all girls are slightly annoying at times), but the looks at the beginning are a deal breaker.

Girls are a little more honest than guys. When girls say they want to meet a nice guy, they believe what they are saying, because they think they want to meet a nice guy. What they really mean is that they want the guys they are attracted to to be nice. They don’t want some dork who kisses their ass. And, despite this idea of niceness in their heads, they will go for the Tucker Max’s any day because those guys are honest about what they want.

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